Gold: A Letter to Nate Silver

I laughed out loud reading this piece by Paul Rudnick, who pens a letter to Nate Silver in the voice of an eleven-year-old Emma Gertlowitz:

I asked my mom if I should tweet about you using #NotAStalkerButLookOutsideYourWindowRightNow, but she said that there would be an 88% chance that you would think that was creepy, so I said, “But what if I used #MaybeIfYouTweetMeBackIWon’tKillMyself,” and she said, “Much better.” And then I asked her if I should call you Nate or Nathaniel or Crunchmaster Natty and we agreed that your e-mail address is probably Nate@HotNumber.com or maybe 100%Hot@SilverIsGold.org.

I was thinking that if you came over we could watch “iCarly” on Nickelodeon and we could decide if after five years of wacky high jinks the teen-age actors on the show now look 81.12% like tattered divorcees who could use a drink. And then we could watch “Glee” and we could figure out that our relationship is 21% Rachel and Finn, 32% Kurt and Blaine, and 12% mysterious, like the characters who got kicked off the show after last season because, while some of them were overweight, that’s still not as cool as being gay or being in a wheelchair, and I could ask you if high-school bullies make pie charts of who they like bullying the most, and whether transgender kids would get a bigger slice than Asian kids, and whether a morbidly obese transgender Asian kid is just a Fox sitcom waiting to happen.

Hilarious. The Ann Coulter quip at the end is great.

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